Typically, presidents near the end of their term are worried about how they’ll be remembered.I’m much more worried about finding my next job.

It’s my fault, really. I was dumb enough to take a position that had neither long-term security nor opportunities for advancement, and why? To network? My entire cabinet will also be out of a job after inauguration day.

The scary part is that presidential success has little bearing on post-presidential job prospects. In fact, 100% of people who don’t get elected president go on to do something else. The same can’t be said for men like FDR and JFK, and they were some of the finest to occupy the White House. At this rate, I’ll be on the street, wishing I hadn’t cut unemployment benefits so severely.

Picture this. I’m applying for a sales role at Walmart, and all the manager sees on my résumé is eight years in the highest office in the nation and zero retail experience. When she asks how I’d handle a difficult coworker, I recap the lessons from my nuclear standoff with Russia. “Sorry,” she says. “The right answer is to go to HR.” See how stupid I’d look

Reporters ask me when I’ll bring the troops home. I tell them never, it’s hard enough finding work without extra competition. Though Congress writes hundreds of bills, they won’t write me one letter of recommendation. I’vethought about going back to college, but I could never get in these days—I’m only the president of one organization.

Besides, in this recession I’m responsible for, it’ll be tough to be jobless when the aliens take over. Yes, you heard that correctly, the generals have told me that aliens are real and they’re coming, and when they arrive, I’ll be lying to people at parties about being an “entrepreneur.” Hopefully our extraterrestrial overlords will keep me on as a lab rat.