Monday, March 30, 33
IF JESUS IS A MIRACLE WORKER, THEN WHY IS MY PROJECT TAKING SO LONG? Jesus cannot walk on water just to build you a dock. Unless God really wants you to have a dock. And Jesus will know if God wants that, so do not try to lie about it because you will go to Hell. Likewise, despite requests from customers, Jesus lacks the ability to “snap his fingers and make a patio appear.” He can, however, make a patio appear by assembling one manually over the course of a business week, which is actually half the time Wise Guys’ Carpentry takes.
DO I HAVE TO TIP JESUS’ POSSE? Peter, Andrew, Philip, Simon, John, Bartholomew, Thaddeus, Thomas, Matthew, James, James, and Judas are Jesus’ apostles and creative consultants. They do not physically assist Jesus because they are busy praying that he will complete your project at the high standard that Christ Carpentry is known for across the Greater Jerusalem area. They commune with Heaven so your home can look like it. Please tip unto them the amount you would have them tip unto you.
I AM DYING OF LEPROSY. CAN YOU PLEASE SEND JESUS TO SAVE ME Contractually, the sole time during the week that Jesus is permitted to do anything other than carpentry is between 12:00 and 1:00 PM. That, however, is his lunch break, and the only miracle he likes to perform then is making himself a tasty sandwich. Thus, it would be blessed if you could wait until an evening or a weekend to contact Jesus for any miracle-related needs—unless your leprosy is really bothering you, in which case you still owe Jesus his hourly rate.
IS THERE ANYTHING THAT JESUS WILL NOT BUILD? Jesus is a vocal opponent of Roman rule. Nevertheless, that does not exempt him from honoring his commitment to Christ Carpentry, which is an apolitical business that relies on government contracts. For example, last week, Jesus fulfilled a request from the governor’s office to build a series of giant wooden crosses. Though he will not admit it, it is some of his finest work to date.

IF JESUS IS A MIRACLE WORKER, THEN WHY IS MY PROJECT TAKING SO LONG...

Nazareth Carpentry FAQ

— We look great in this inauguration photo, Mr. President! Can you just do me a small favor and have the media guys edit out the bunny ears you’re doing behind my head?
— Sir, the war is getting extre—-woah, noogie monster, you got me!—-but seriously, the death toll is astronomica—-okay, it doesn’t work if I see you coming.
— Yeah, boss, you’re right, you do look like a ninja! Could I have my tie back now though?
— Nice one! Okay, maybe we should take those beer cans down from the roof and give the secret service guy his gun back now. No, please don’t tell him it was my idea.
— Mmhmm sir…I’m a bit busy with this briefing—oh, I bet your form is great, I just can’t watch your push-ups right no—-wow, okay, nice ones…alright, take care—-oh, again?
— Mr. President, my wife just received a bomb threat to our hous—-ahh, you! Crazy guy! Please stop doing that, though.
— You’re not going to get me to say anything. I don’t even know what you’re talking about. Of course I’m not gay! Okay, okay, fine. That British chick is pretty hot. Anyways—-so sorry we cut you off, Madam Prime Minister.
— Thanks for the beer, sir. I know you like to bust my balls, but it’s cool that we can just hang out like this, as friends. Haha. Why are you laughing? Wait. No. No! You told me you didn’t piss in this one!

We look great in this inauguration photo, Mr. President! Can you just do me a small favor and have the media guys edit out the bunny ears...

Vice President

McCarthy: Wait! Don’t throw me in the fire!
What if I told you that man there is a Communist?
Satan: Who, Stalin? I know he’s a Communist. There’s a ton of us here.
Carthy: McCarthy: Us?
Satan: Yeah. There’s a reason everyone gets thrown in the same fire
McCarthy: Oh, the pain! You really are the devil!
Marx: What do you mean? I’m Karl Marx. I was
just making small talk with you.
McCarthy: Yes, and it is a torture worse than anything I’ve experienced!
Marx: Even worse than the impaling?
McCarthy: I didn’t hear anything about impaling.
Satan: Break’s over, lads! Drop your pants and
line up. We only had enough money for one
pole.
Satan: And then, I’m going to go to town on your balls with the hammer and sickle.
McCarthy: Okay, but how come Lenin and Mao get to sit in that jacuzzi over there?
Satan: Because. Those two are in the politburo. They’re exempt.
McCarthy: But…I thought you were all about equal treatment! Communism! What happened?
Satan: C’mon, McCarthy. You should know. Communism never really works in practice.

Mc Carthy In Hell

Arcade Game Update

Call of Duty 1969

Typically, presidents near the end of their term are worried about how they’ll be remembered.I’m much more worried about finding my next job.
It’s my fault, really. I was dumb enough to take a position that had neither long-term security nor
opportunities for advancement, and why? To network? My entire cabinet will also be out of a job after inauguration day.
The scary part is that presidential success has little bearing on post-presidential job prospects. In fact, 100% of people who don’t get elected president go on to do something else. The same can’t be said for men like FDR and JFK, and they were some of the finest to occupy the White House. At this rate, I’ll be on the street, wishing I hadn’t cut unemployment benefits so severely.
Picture this. I’m applying for a sales role at Walmart, and all the manager sees on my résumé
is eight years in the highest office in the nation and zero retail experience. When she asks how I’d handle a difficult coworker, I recap the lessons from my
nuclear standoff with Russia. “Sorry,” she says. “The right answer is to go to HR.” See how stupid I’d look 
Reporters ask me when I’ll bring the troops home. I tell them never, it’s hard enough finding work without extra competition. Though Congress writes hundreds of bills, they won’t write me one letter of recommendation. I’vethought about going back to college, but I could never get in these days—I’m only the president of one organization.
Besides, in this recession I’m responsible for, it’ll be tough to be jobless when the aliens take over. Yes, you heard that correctly, the generals have told me that aliens are real and they’re coming, and when
they arrive, I’ll be lying to people at parties about being an “entrepreneur.” Hopefully our extraterrestrial overlords will keep me on as a lab rat.

Typically, presidents near the end of their term are worried about how they’ll be remembered.I’m much more worried about finding my next job...

Post-Presidency

Some say that the most unusual thing about Dirt Bike Baby is his dirt bike. Others say it’s his babiness. The closest answer is that it’s some combination of the two.

Dirt Bike Baby spends his mornings driving off into the sunset. His favorite color is anger, and his favorite emotion is gasoline. When he walks, people listen, and when he talks, people move out of the way. When Dirt Bike Baby was born, everyone died.

Dirt Bike Baby doesn’t go to school. He knows how a bill becomes a man. There are rumors that Dirt Bike Baby employs a body double, which he does, to pretend to be a normal baby. Occasionally, he’ll cry—tears of joy, at the wakes of his enemies.

Dirt Bike Baby never grows older—only meaner. Dirt Bike Baby can read, unlike most babies his age. He can also drive, steal, beat, burn, and brutalize. His town voted him best all-around. Dirt Bike Baby punched his town in the face for pandering.

Dirt Bike Baby kisses politicians on the forehead to remind them not to mess with him. His diapers wet themselves out of sheer terror. Once, someone tried to play peek-a-boo with Dirt Bike Baby. His eyes are shut for good.

They say that Dirt Bike Baby speaks to the Devil, to impart advice. Instead of a pacifier, Dirt Bike Baby sucks on a pistol and plays Russian roulette. He uses tummy time as a form of torture. Dirt Bike Baby has said many things. None of them are true, except for his lies.
Yet, deep down, Dirt Bike Baby is searching for love. He hopes that, one day, he’ll find it, and when he does, he’ll put a bullet in its head.

Some say that the most unusual thing about Dirt Bike Baby is his dirt bike...

Hamza Masoud.css-1xlpnei{margin:0px -15px 0px 6px;width:11px;vertical-align:-14px;}

Hamza Masoud